I'm starting to have more faith in my intelligence. For ages I have been doubting myself, and second guessing every decision, hashing and rehashing things until I more or less believed I was incapable of making decisions. I would put things off feeling that I was incapable of doing them. Being with Allan made this feeling worse, I don't know why.

Something has changed.

Two days ago I was playing trivial pursuit and I kicked ass. Afterward we were sitting around talking and the player who had the lowest score remarked that she felt she was the most intelligent person in the room because "knowledge has nothing to do with intelligence." I thought to myself, what good is intelligence without knowledge? How can you make an informed opinion? How can you avoid repeating past mistakes? There are few subjects on which I am an expert. I have a sort of general curiosity about the world, so I try to know a little bit about whatever comes my way. I am not a genius. I am not brilliant. I am comfortable with what I know, and I would like to learn more.

Another change has occurred. I am not being as passive as I once was. I am being more assertive and trying to get what I want. Things I used to worry about do not bother me as much as they did previously. I have even started to get angry again. I used to have a terrible temper. I decided at some point I didn't want to be like my Mother so I started to repress a lot of the fight instinct and I think that was a mistake. Anger has its uses and should be implemented every now and then. I had a moment when I was in Egypt, I was working with this group of kids on a dance performance and they were jerks. So I lost it, in a functional way, I attacked their behavior, and I let them know it was not ok. Afterwards I felt fully vindicated and it helped me realize that losing it every now and then is not the end of the world.