The path of the passive.

I have been repressing my anger for so long I no longer know whether or not I am justified in using it. My best friend is the Queen of all things passive and aggressive. I'm trying to find a way to:

A) Talk to her about it because I don't appreciate being anyone's whipping boy.
B) Use my anger in a useful and defensive way.
C) In general just stop being such a fucking door mat.

I don't really know how to be functional in relationships with people. I find it much easier bitching about people behind their backs rather than directly addressing issues. I am aware my methods make me totally dysfunctional but thats me...

Jazz is dying. Valerie is gone. I am only getting 12 hours of work a week. I am all alone. I was ripped off my my house sitter and I feel like somehow she railroaded me. Other than that things are peachy. It has come to my attention that if I want a relationship I need to work on it. I need to make the choice to change my life no one can do it for me. I feel as though I am finally getting to know me and funny enough its happening the year of my thirtieth birthday. There is a lot of pressure on me right now to start accomplishing more. Who knows what I will be able to do and not do. I suppose all I can do is give it my all.

I'm not happy go lucky this much I know. I am sarcastic, cynical and sometimes just simply a bitch. I don't like people and I'm not good at pretending to enjoy small talk. I am often irritated by people and I don't hide it well.

Someone I've known since we were both tiny wee is getting married tomorrow. I do not want to go. I should go because her family has always been kind to me. I just don't want to be around people.

I don't want to be around people who have found their plot in life so easily. I do not want to be around people I don't like and I do not want to be around people so enamored with themselves. It is funny because I like the bride's sister, her mother and her father and pretty much no one else who will be in attendance.

I wonder if this mood I am experiencing is part of my hormonal shifts.

I'd like sometimes to be more positive but I also feel like I shouldn't pander my moods to suit other people.

Fear is the mind killer.

I've been having panic attacks since Amber brought me Jazz. I am super happy to have him, make no mistake about that. But I am reeling from the implications of having him here particularly with Allan on the rampage. I don't want Allan to find where I live and I don't want to speak or to hear from him ever again. I just want him out of my life. The very thought of him depresses me. I don't want him to ruin the ball for me, and I don't want him to do anything to upset Amber and her families life. I just want him gone.

This conversation is between my bestest buddy circa 1988, and a boy we both knew. He commented on her facebook status and it made me renew my faith in the male sex.




Morag Kydd is no longer listed as "single." - Comment - Show Comments (4)Hide Comments (4)

Jennifer Goodfellow at 11:01am February 8

really?

Morag Kydd at 11:47am February 8

"no longer listed" just sick of advertising it.

Jennifer Goodfellow at 1:40pm February 8

wha=oh!

Jeremy Johnson at 3:59pm February 8

well I think you're pretty neat chick...you're intelligent, creative, with a great smile and cute laugh...follow all of that up with the fact that you're extremely easy on the eyes, and you've got quite the total package...I understand the "no longer listing" part, but don't get too down about it all...when you rate all that is out there, you would definitely be a top drawer caliber girl...it's only a matter of time until you find someone of equal stature...keep smilin', there's people(like me) that are out there that think you're pretty special that you probably had no idea of...
hope all else is well

word
Jeremy

PS...keep the high standards that you've always had...I'm sure you don't remember the time at the park when we were 5 and you turned me down for a kiss...Kim, Fiona, and I were all playing kissing tag and you wanted no part of me...I blamed it on the fact we didn't know each other that well with you going to french immersion and all...heart broken still 25 years later...lol

SO I have been happy and that has been very nice. Now I am not so happy and it has to do with being lonely. I know that it is not a good idea to rely on other people to make you happy. Certainly being around the people that I enjoy gives me a boost but I shouldn't rely on others to get me to my happy place. There are two men in my life at the moment, one of whom I have been infatuated with for a very long time. I would like to be brave enough to say something to them you know? I think part of being less lonely is letting go of that fear of rejection and actually approaching people.

Facebook is beginning to get on my nerves. As cool as it is to keep in touch with people and to see exciting friends from long ago, it is beginning to piss me off. There are hurtful things posted and sometimes people can't be bothered to reply to messages which pisses me off.