I'm not happy go lucky this much I know. I am sarcastic, cynical and sometimes just simply a bitch. I don't like people and I'm not good at pretending to enjoy small talk. I am often irritated by people and I don't hide it well.

Someone I've known since we were both tiny wee is getting married tomorrow. I do not want to go. I should go because her family has always been kind to me. I just don't want to be around people.

I don't want to be around people who have found their plot in life so easily. I do not want to be around people I don't like and I do not want to be around people so enamored with themselves. It is funny because I like the bride's sister, her mother and her father and pretty much no one else who will be in attendance.

I wonder if this mood I am experiencing is part of my hormonal shifts.

I'd like sometimes to be more positive but I also feel like I shouldn't pander my moods to suit other people.

Fear is the mind killer.

I've been having panic attacks since Amber brought me Jazz. I am super happy to have him, make no mistake about that. But I am reeling from the implications of having him here particularly with Allan on the rampage. I don't want Allan to find where I live and I don't want to speak or to hear from him ever again. I just want him out of my life. The very thought of him depresses me. I don't want him to ruin the ball for me, and I don't want him to do anything to upset Amber and her families life. I just want him gone.

This conversation is between my bestest buddy circa 1988, and a boy we both knew. He commented on her facebook status and it made me renew my faith in the male sex.




Morag Kydd is no longer listed as "single." - Comment - Show Comments (4)Hide Comments (4)

Jennifer Goodfellow at 11:01am February 8

really?

Morag Kydd at 11:47am February 8

"no longer listed" just sick of advertising it.

Jennifer Goodfellow at 1:40pm February 8

wha=oh!

Jeremy Johnson at 3:59pm February 8

well I think you're pretty neat chick...you're intelligent, creative, with a great smile and cute laugh...follow all of that up with the fact that you're extremely easy on the eyes, and you've got quite the total package...I understand the "no longer listing" part, but don't get too down about it all...when you rate all that is out there, you would definitely be a top drawer caliber girl...it's only a matter of time until you find someone of equal stature...keep smilin', there's people(like me) that are out there that think you're pretty special that you probably had no idea of...
hope all else is well

word
Jeremy

PS...keep the high standards that you've always had...I'm sure you don't remember the time at the park when we were 5 and you turned me down for a kiss...Kim, Fiona, and I were all playing kissing tag and you wanted no part of me...I blamed it on the fact we didn't know each other that well with you going to french immersion and all...heart broken still 25 years later...lol

SO I have been happy and that has been very nice. Now I am not so happy and it has to do with being lonely. I know that it is not a good idea to rely on other people to make you happy. Certainly being around the people that I enjoy gives me a boost but I shouldn't rely on others to get me to my happy place. There are two men in my life at the moment, one of whom I have been infatuated with for a very long time. I would like to be brave enough to say something to them you know? I think part of being less lonely is letting go of that fear of rejection and actually approaching people.

Facebook is beginning to get on my nerves. As cool as it is to keep in touch with people and to see exciting friends from long ago, it is beginning to piss me off. There are hurtful things posted and sometimes people can't be bothered to reply to messages which pisses me off.

I'm starting to have more faith in my intelligence. For ages I have been doubting myself, and second guessing every decision, hashing and rehashing things until I more or less believed I was incapable of making decisions. I would put things off feeling that I was incapable of doing them. Being with Allan made this feeling worse, I don't know why.

Something has changed.

Two days ago I was playing trivial pursuit and I kicked ass. Afterward we were sitting around talking and the player who had the lowest score remarked that she felt she was the most intelligent person in the room because "knowledge has nothing to do with intelligence." I thought to myself, what good is intelligence without knowledge? How can you make an informed opinion? How can you avoid repeating past mistakes? There are few subjects on which I am an expert. I have a sort of general curiosity about the world, so I try to know a little bit about whatever comes my way. I am not a genius. I am not brilliant. I am comfortable with what I know, and I would like to learn more.

Another change has occurred. I am not being as passive as I once was. I am being more assertive and trying to get what I want. Things I used to worry about do not bother me as much as they did previously. I have even started to get angry again. I used to have a terrible temper. I decided at some point I didn't want to be like my Mother so I started to repress a lot of the fight instinct and I think that was a mistake. Anger has its uses and should be implemented every now and then. I had a moment when I was in Egypt, I was working with this group of kids on a dance performance and they were jerks. So I lost it, in a functional way, I attacked their behavior, and I let them know it was not ok. Afterwards I felt fully vindicated and it helped me realize that losing it every now and then is not the end of the world.

I seem to have adopted a stray. You know what they say about feeding strays, you shouldn't do it and if you do they keep coming back. In my defense I thought that only applied to cats. I seem to have found a human stray of the collegiate variety. She invites herself over, plunks herself down in front of my television. Frequently she comes over to use our washing and drying machines. Recently she has taken to opening up my fridge to examine the contents and helping herself to the odd item. Tonight she showed up with friend in tow, and went fishing in my fridge again. She looks up to my roommate and I think that is part of the reason she is over so often. I also think she is bored and lonely. I know she doesn't care for her current roommates. The problem is this: I don't really like her very much. I'm just not that into her. She called me June Cleever with Tourets, which exemplifies our problem. She sees me as some kind of mothering, nurturing person. I see her as some kind of leech, it will never work.

I'm angry and I can't sleep. It is almost 3 am and tomorrow I am working by myself for the first time at my new job. It would have been nice to have gotten some sleep. I am just so angry and frustrated I can't sleep. A has done it again he has totally infuriated me, he is selfish, stupid and worse. I can't wait to move out, only I might not be able to afford it. I haven't heard anything back from UBC, and I might not until the middle of August. I don't know what to do, I really just don't. This has got to be rock bottom.