So here is the deal, and for those of you who hate introspective posts I suggest you fuck off, I am gloriously unhappy.

I was thinking about it the other day. I am totally trapped, and it sucks. Here I was labouring under the misapprehension that my Mother would descend up on me at graduation upon a fluffy cloud of love and hand over the much promised house. Wrong! So now I am $64000 in debt and completely up shit creak.

My options include suicide (too messy by far), teaching esl somewhere for the next 5 years or so, another two years of college and another $18 G's in debt (not bloody likely), or maybe I will win the lottery. Seriously I have no fucking clue what is going to happen in the next six months. Valerie says we will chat about it when she appears here magically in the summer time to oversee her vast holdings of property. twat.

I hate school and there isn't much point in even trying to pretend I enjoy it anymore. English literature is a bunch of bullshit. I am so tired of pretentious proffs telling me their reading of the text is the only reading and aren't I lucky to be in their brilliant presence, no and they can fuck off! I want to be studying theatre or education but I am so mired in this degree it feels like I am never going to get there.

I have been making one bad decision after another, I am totally ashamed of my life. I have so little to show for the last ten years of my life it makes me horrendously sad.
I'm sick and I haven't seen a Doctor. I am going to go and see someone next week during reading break hopefully they will be able to tell me what is wrong. If any of you can suggest a good female doc in the Duncan area please email me her number.

This is my list of things I want to or need to deal with

1. My debt
2. My education where the fuck is it going and what the fuck will I do with it?
3. My weight, god damnitt I do not need to eat everything
4. My health, probably anemia but who knows...
5. My diet of pop culture I need to wean myself of television and all that excess crap. I started getting interested in movies because it was a way to identify with my Mother and now it has gone way overboard.
6. My art, I need to do more theatre, and dance. I really want to learn belly dance particularly tribal dance.
7. My travel, I want to start getting out there and doing things.
8. My love, I need the courage to end my dependence.
9. My location, I hate Duncan there is so little for me here. I want to move to Vancouver.

I think 9 is a good number to end on. I know very little in life is as hopeless as it seems at first glance and I am sure some of this will turn around for me its just been a rough go of it for the last bit. I need to start taking responsibility for more of my choices.