The 12 Days of Christmas
> >
> >14th December My Dearest Darling John,
> >I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear
> >tree. He is quite a strange bird and ate all the pears already, but what
a
> >delightful gift. Thank you darling for the lovely thought. Your ever
> >loving, Agnes.
> >
> >15th December My Dearest John,
> >Today the postman brought two very sweet turtle doves. I am delighted.
They
> >are adorable. All my love forever, Agnes.
> >
> >16th December Dearest John,
> >Oh how extravagant you are. I really must protest. I don't deserve such
> >generosity. Three French hens. I insist you are too kind. Your ever
loving,
> >Agnes.

> >17th December
> >What can I say. Four calling birds arrived this morning with the postman.
> >Your kindness is too much. Love Agnes.
> >
> >18th December My Dearest John,
> >What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings. One for
each
> >finger. You really are an impossible boy, but I love you. Frankly, all
the
> >birds are beginning to squawk and get on my nerves. Your ever loving
Agnes.

> >19th December Dear John,
> >When I opened the door this morning there were actually six great geese
> >laying eggs all over my front step. What on earth do you think I can do
> >with them all? The neighbors are beginning to smell them, they look mean,
> >and I cannot sleep. Please stop. Yours, Agnes.
> >
> >20th December John,
What is it with you and these stupid birds? Now I get seven swans a
swimming. Is it some sort of sick joke? We don't even have a pool! The
house is full of bird mess and it is not funny anymore. Stop sending
freaking birds. Yours, Agnes.

21st December OK Buster,
> >I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do with eight
maids
> >a milking? It's enough with all these birds. Now I have a cow messing all
> >over the house and mooing all night with eight maids chasing her
everywhere
> >to milk her... Lay off, Agnes.

> >22nd December Look Pest,
> >What are you, some kind of a nut? Now I have nine pipers playing and boy
do
> >they play. When they're not playing their sorry pipes they are messing
with
> >the maids. The cows are treading all over the freaking birds and the
> >neighbors are threatening to get me evicted. Get knotted, Agnes.

> >23rd December You Rotten Birdbrain,
> >Now I have ten ladies dancing. How on earth you can call these tramps
> >"ladies" is beyond me. They are messing with the pipers all night long,
the
> >cows can't sleep and have diarrhea. My living room is a sea of mess and
the
> >landlord has just declared the building unfit for human habitation. Get
> >Lost, Agnes.

> >24th December Listen Butthead,
> >What with eleven lords leaping all over the maids and me, I shall never
be
> >able to face my neighbors again. The pipers are fighting the lords for
the
> >crumpet and committing weird acts with the cows. The birds are all dead
and
> >rotting having been trampled on. I hope you are satisfied you *#%$#@&#*.
> >Your sworn enemy, Agnes.

> >25th December You Stinking Lousy *#%$#@&#*, Twelve drummers have teamed
up
with the pipers in making one heck of a din. Both have begun buggering
the
lords as well as the cows and Lord knows what has happened to the
milk-maids. They've probably drowned in the cow and bird mess by now. The
only way I have saved myself from being trampled to death is by hiding up
that blasted pear tree which has been so well fertilized by cow and bird
mess that it's grown through the roof. PLEASE NO MORE! JUST DIE, Agnes.