So tonight I think about him.
Why is he so bitter.
Why can't I tell him?
How long has it been?
Why can't I even tell someone else who knows us both?
Trust issues? Yeah, I've got a few.


In other news; I need to start to like myself and want better things for me or I will kill myself. Not in some slit my wrists kind of way but in an apathetic kind of not taking care of myself end up with diabetes, and cancer kind of way.

My stress level is through the roof. I am so anxiety ridden that I can not stop the pain in my abdomen and I can't sleep, my neck is constantly tense and my lower back is tweaking out. I couldn't walk today because of my heel pain. Right now everything just sucks. I can't walk away from the work I am doing because I know how hard we have all worked but I am beginning to wonder if it is worth all of the drama. I wish my friend could realized how self absorbed she is. She is oblivious to the people around her and today is the last time I will make the mistake of assuming she cares about anyone else's problems.

Fun Times

So my stress level is very high. This is never a good thing. I am concerned about my new friend and her love interest. I don't want her to get hurt, although I think it is already to late for that. I don't like getting wrapped up in other peoples' issues. I find it really hard when I care about both actors in a situation. I wish I didn't have all this prior knowledge about both of them.

The path of the passive.

I have been repressing my anger for so long I no longer know whether or not I am justified in using it. My best friend is the Queen of all things passive and aggressive. I'm trying to find a way to:

A) Talk to her about it because I don't appreciate being anyone's whipping boy.
B) Use my anger in a useful and defensive way.
C) In general just stop being such a fucking door mat.

I don't really know how to be functional in relationships with people. I find it much easier bitching about people behind their backs rather than directly addressing issues. I am aware my methods make me totally dysfunctional but thats me...

Jazz is dying. Valerie is gone. I am only getting 12 hours of work a week. I am all alone. I was ripped off my my house sitter and I feel like somehow she railroaded me. Other than that things are peachy. It has come to my attention that if I want a relationship I need to work on it. I need to make the choice to change my life no one can do it for me. I feel as though I am finally getting to know me and funny enough its happening the year of my thirtieth birthday. There is a lot of pressure on me right now to start accomplishing more. Who knows what I will be able to do and not do. I suppose all I can do is give it my all.

I'm not happy go lucky this much I know. I am sarcastic, cynical and sometimes just simply a bitch. I don't like people and I'm not good at pretending to enjoy small talk. I am often irritated by people and I don't hide it well.

Someone I've known since we were both tiny wee is getting married tomorrow. I do not want to go. I should go because her family has always been kind to me. I just don't want to be around people.

I don't want to be around people who have found their plot in life so easily. I do not want to be around people I don't like and I do not want to be around people so enamored with themselves. It is funny because I like the bride's sister, her mother and her father and pretty much no one else who will be in attendance.

I wonder if this mood I am experiencing is part of my hormonal shifts.

I'd like sometimes to be more positive but I also feel like I shouldn't pander my moods to suit other people.

Fear is the mind killer.

I've been having panic attacks since Amber brought me Jazz. I am super happy to have him, make no mistake about that. But I am reeling from the implications of having him here particularly with Allan on the rampage. I don't want Allan to find where I live and I don't want to speak or to hear from him ever again. I just want him out of my life. The very thought of him depresses me. I don't want him to ruin the ball for me, and I don't want him to do anything to upset Amber and her families life. I just want him gone.

This conversation is between my bestest buddy circa 1988, and a boy we both knew. He commented on her facebook status and it made me renew my faith in the male sex.




Morag Kydd is no longer listed as "single." - Comment - Show Comments (4)Hide Comments (4)

Jennifer Goodfellow at 11:01am February 8

really?

Morag Kydd at 11:47am February 8

"no longer listed" just sick of advertising it.

Jennifer Goodfellow at 1:40pm February 8

wha=oh!

Jeremy Johnson at 3:59pm February 8

well I think you're pretty neat chick...you're intelligent, creative, with a great smile and cute laugh...follow all of that up with the fact that you're extremely easy on the eyes, and you've got quite the total package...I understand the "no longer listing" part, but don't get too down about it all...when you rate all that is out there, you would definitely be a top drawer caliber girl...it's only a matter of time until you find someone of equal stature...keep smilin', there's people(like me) that are out there that think you're pretty special that you probably had no idea of...
hope all else is well

word
Jeremy

PS...keep the high standards that you've always had...I'm sure you don't remember the time at the park when we were 5 and you turned me down for a kiss...Kim, Fiona, and I were all playing kissing tag and you wanted no part of me...I blamed it on the fact we didn't know each other that well with you going to french immersion and all...heart broken still 25 years later...lol

SO I have been happy and that has been very nice. Now I am not so happy and it has to do with being lonely. I know that it is not a good idea to rely on other people to make you happy. Certainly being around the people that I enjoy gives me a boost but I shouldn't rely on others to get me to my happy place. There are two men in my life at the moment, one of whom I have been infatuated with for a very long time. I would like to be brave enough to say something to them you know? I think part of being less lonely is letting go of that fear of rejection and actually approaching people.

Facebook is beginning to get on my nerves. As cool as it is to keep in touch with people and to see exciting friends from long ago, it is beginning to piss me off. There are hurtful things posted and sometimes people can't be bothered to reply to messages which pisses me off.

I'm starting to have more faith in my intelligence. For ages I have been doubting myself, and second guessing every decision, hashing and rehashing things until I more or less believed I was incapable of making decisions. I would put things off feeling that I was incapable of doing them. Being with Allan made this feeling worse, I don't know why.

Something has changed.

Two days ago I was playing trivial pursuit and I kicked ass. Afterward we were sitting around talking and the player who had the lowest score remarked that she felt she was the most intelligent person in the room because "knowledge has nothing to do with intelligence." I thought to myself, what good is intelligence without knowledge? How can you make an informed opinion? How can you avoid repeating past mistakes? There are few subjects on which I am an expert. I have a sort of general curiosity about the world, so I try to know a little bit about whatever comes my way. I am not a genius. I am not brilliant. I am comfortable with what I know, and I would like to learn more.

Another change has occurred. I am not being as passive as I once was. I am being more assertive and trying to get what I want. Things I used to worry about do not bother me as much as they did previously. I have even started to get angry again. I used to have a terrible temper. I decided at some point I didn't want to be like my Mother so I started to repress a lot of the fight instinct and I think that was a mistake. Anger has its uses and should be implemented every now and then. I had a moment when I was in Egypt, I was working with this group of kids on a dance performance and they were jerks. So I lost it, in a functional way, I attacked their behavior, and I let them know it was not ok. Afterwards I felt fully vindicated and it helped me realize that losing it every now and then is not the end of the world.

I seem to have adopted a stray. You know what they say about feeding strays, you shouldn't do it and if you do they keep coming back. In my defense I thought that only applied to cats. I seem to have found a human stray of the collegiate variety. She invites herself over, plunks herself down in front of my television. Frequently she comes over to use our washing and drying machines. Recently she has taken to opening up my fridge to examine the contents and helping herself to the odd item. Tonight she showed up with friend in tow, and went fishing in my fridge again. She looks up to my roommate and I think that is part of the reason she is over so often. I also think she is bored and lonely. I know she doesn't care for her current roommates. The problem is this: I don't really like her very much. I'm just not that into her. She called me June Cleever with Tourets, which exemplifies our problem. She sees me as some kind of mothering, nurturing person. I see her as some kind of leech, it will never work.

I'm angry and I can't sleep. It is almost 3 am and tomorrow I am working by myself for the first time at my new job. It would have been nice to have gotten some sleep. I am just so angry and frustrated I can't sleep. A has done it again he has totally infuriated me, he is selfish, stupid and worse. I can't wait to move out, only I might not be able to afford it. I haven't heard anything back from UBC, and I might not until the middle of August. I don't know what to do, I really just don't. This has got to be rock bottom.

The real fountain of youth is to have a dirty mind.

-Jerry Hall

Going to the doctor on Thursday. Am really scared.

It is a beautiful day outside but I am feeling really low inside. I know I have to break up with Allan but it is so hard. He is so loving and kind to me, and he wants nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with me. He wants to have children with me, at one point in my life that is also what I wanted. Sarah doesn't want him to come to Newfoundland, I feel like a horrible person because he is so looking forward to going. I can't stay with him just to avoid hurting him. Jesus Christ I hate this situation.
When I was a teenager and a boy liked me and the feeling was not reciprocated I would just be a horrible bitch to him and he would get the message. As a mature adult I realize that is not cool, but its soooo hard! How do you break someones heart? Someone who thinks you care about them as much as they care about you? How do you look at that kind. compassionate person in the eye and hurt them?

So here is the deal, and for those of you who hate introspective posts I suggest you fuck off, I am gloriously unhappy.

I was thinking about it the other day. I am totally trapped, and it sucks. Here I was labouring under the misapprehension that my Mother would descend up on me at graduation upon a fluffy cloud of love and hand over the much promised house. Wrong! So now I am $64000 in debt and completely up shit creak.

My options include suicide (too messy by far), teaching esl somewhere for the next 5 years or so, another two years of college and another $18 G's in debt (not bloody likely), or maybe I will win the lottery. Seriously I have no fucking clue what is going to happen in the next six months. Valerie says we will chat about it when she appears here magically in the summer time to oversee her vast holdings of property. twat.

I hate school and there isn't much point in even trying to pretend I enjoy it anymore. English literature is a bunch of bullshit. I am so tired of pretentious proffs telling me their reading of the text is the only reading and aren't I lucky to be in their brilliant presence, no and they can fuck off! I want to be studying theatre or education but I am so mired in this degree it feels like I am never going to get there.

I have been making one bad decision after another, I am totally ashamed of my life. I have so little to show for the last ten years of my life it makes me horrendously sad.
I'm sick and I haven't seen a Doctor. I am going to go and see someone next week during reading break hopefully they will be able to tell me what is wrong. If any of you can suggest a good female doc in the Duncan area please email me her number.

This is my list of things I want to or need to deal with

1. My debt
2. My education where the fuck is it going and what the fuck will I do with it?
3. My weight, god damnitt I do not need to eat everything
4. My health, probably anemia but who knows...
5. My diet of pop culture I need to wean myself of television and all that excess crap. I started getting interested in movies because it was a way to identify with my Mother and now it has gone way overboard.
6. My art, I need to do more theatre, and dance. I really want to learn belly dance particularly tribal dance.
7. My travel, I want to start getting out there and doing things.
8. My love, I need the courage to end my dependence.
9. My location, I hate Duncan there is so little for me here. I want to move to Vancouver.

I think 9 is a good number to end on. I know very little in life is as hopeless as it seems at first glance and I am sure some of this will turn around for me its just been a rough go of it for the last bit. I need to start taking responsibility for more of my choices.

I love that Prince managed to stick a phallic symbol in the middle of his performance at the superbowl. That is just fucking rad. Censors take themselves far too seriously!

i don't know how to make it so you can comment on my posts...bugger!

As you can see I have made some changes around here.
I didn't want to change my set-up until I had managed to save all my posts about Cameron, and some of the responses from my friends.

So I (on a totally different topic) have started putting all of my spare change in a piggy bank in my room in order to save up for travels this summer. My January total was $38. YAY me!