So tonight I think about him.
Why is he so bitter.
Why can't I tell him?
How long has it been?
Why can't I even tell someone else who knows us both?
Trust issues? Yeah, I've got a few.


In other news; I need to start to like myself and want better things for me or I will kill myself. Not in some slit my wrists kind of way but in an apathetic kind of not taking care of myself end up with diabetes, and cancer kind of way.

My stress level is through the roof. I am so anxiety ridden that I can not stop the pain in my abdomen and I can't sleep, my neck is constantly tense and my lower back is tweaking out. I couldn't walk today because of my heel pain. Right now everything just sucks. I can't walk away from the work I am doing because I know how hard we have all worked but I am beginning to wonder if it is worth all of the drama. I wish my friend could realized how self absorbed she is. She is oblivious to the people around her and today is the last time I will make the mistake of assuming she cares about anyone else's problems.

Fun Times

So my stress level is very high. This is never a good thing. I am concerned about my new friend and her love interest. I don't want her to get hurt, although I think it is already to late for that. I don't like getting wrapped up in other peoples' issues. I find it really hard when I care about both actors in a situation. I wish I didn't have all this prior knowledge about both of them.

The path of the passive.

I have been repressing my anger for so long I no longer know whether or not I am justified in using it. My best friend is the Queen of all things passive and aggressive. I'm trying to find a way to:

A) Talk to her about it because I don't appreciate being anyone's whipping boy.
B) Use my anger in a useful and defensive way.
C) In general just stop being such a fucking door mat.

I don't really know how to be functional in relationships with people. I find it much easier bitching about people behind their backs rather than directly addressing issues. I am aware my methods make me totally dysfunctional but thats me...

Jazz is dying. Valerie is gone. I am only getting 12 hours of work a week. I am all alone. I was ripped off my my house sitter and I feel like somehow she railroaded me. Other than that things are peachy. It has come to my attention that if I want a relationship I need to work on it. I need to make the choice to change my life no one can do it for me. I feel as though I am finally getting to know me and funny enough its happening the year of my thirtieth birthday. There is a lot of pressure on me right now to start accomplishing more. Who knows what I will be able to do and not do. I suppose all I can do is give it my all.

I'm not happy go lucky this much I know. I am sarcastic, cynical and sometimes just simply a bitch. I don't like people and I'm not good at pretending to enjoy small talk. I am often irritated by people and I don't hide it well.

Someone I've known since we were both tiny wee is getting married tomorrow. I do not want to go. I should go because her family has always been kind to me. I just don't want to be around people.

I don't want to be around people who have found their plot in life so easily. I do not want to be around people I don't like and I do not want to be around people so enamored with themselves. It is funny because I like the bride's sister, her mother and her father and pretty much no one else who will be in attendance.

I wonder if this mood I am experiencing is part of my hormonal shifts.

I'd like sometimes to be more positive but I also feel like I shouldn't pander my moods to suit other people.

Fear is the mind killer.

I've been having panic attacks since Amber brought me Jazz. I am super happy to have him, make no mistake about that. But I am reeling from the implications of having him here particularly with Allan on the rampage. I don't want Allan to find where I live and I don't want to speak or to hear from him ever again. I just want him out of my life. The very thought of him depresses me. I don't want him to ruin the ball for me, and I don't want him to do anything to upset Amber and her families life. I just want him gone.